It is so exhausting being right all the time.

Today I got so tired that I just let go.

No more defending, juggling, covering, dodging or sidestepping.
No more staying a step ahead, rehearsing, anticipating, preparing, primping.
No more arguing, posturing, convincing, placating or excusing.

Today I am sitting still, on the floor, at Jesus’ feet.
My forehead rests against his knee, his hand is on my crown.
I can’t see his face, but I know he is smiling.

I’ve never fooled him.  I’ve never fooled anyone.
I’ve been trying so hard to be what he’s made me to be
on my own.
And it’s been a game: can I keep all the balls in the air?
It’s been a race: can I stay ahead?
I’m out in a sea of grace, trying desperately to keep my head above water.
And now I’m going down.

Why did I fight it?
Surrender means winning.
Drowning means breathing for the first time.

How freeing to finally understand that it is not my job to keep the planets in orbit!

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