I’ve been busy.
Very busy.
And I am so tired.

It is not so much a busyness of work,
although the load has been quite heavy.
I find myself carting around a mass of internal junk.
I am working overtime trying to reshape the inner me.
Instead of moving forward, however,
I am retreating with even more weight on my head.
And I am ready to collapse.

When I was humble enough to share with a dear friend,
rather than comfort me, reassure me, encourage me, pamper me,
my dear friend said,

“Oh, that’s a good place to be!”

I looked at her quizzically.
“Good?” I asked.
Inside I was raging,
“Where’s the support?  Where’s the sympathy??  Really?  ‘Good!'”

“Well,” my dear friend said, “you have hit a wall.
You’ve come face-to-face with the hopeless disgustingness of who you are.
In ‘normal life’ you are able to go around smiling and laughing
and covering up what’s inside.
In ‘normal life’ you pretend you are close to perfect,
with a touch of humility in there.
And most of the time you fool even yourself!
Now what a wonderful gift you have been given!
God has put you in a place where your wickedness is exposed.”

“I don’t like it!” I groan. “It hurts.  It’s ugly.  I’m uncomfortable!”

“Well,” said dear friend, “you have one of two choices now.
You can embrace and own that ugliness.
Confess it and repent of it and ask God to take it.
And then receive power through his Spirit to walk a new way.”

“And my other choice?”

“Ah, the other choice is to stay where you are.
Clean up what you can, bury what you can,
change the externals as much as you can, blame others where you can
and ignore the truth.
Then go back to smiling and joking and laughing and pretending.”

I sighed.  A weighty sigh.  I buried my face in my hands.
“I’m just SO tired!” I whispered.  “SO tired!”

“Yeah — sin does that,” concluded good friend.
“Unless you get rid of it,
there is no rest for the wicked.”